The stories we tell ourselves

As human beings, we’ve been meaning-making creatures since times before cave drawings and agriculture. We make meaning in the lives we lead – meaning in who we are and meaning in our relationships.

Sometimes we make mistakes and other times violations against us occur. When we are alone with these types of experiences, we are alone with the stories we tell ourselves about these experiences. For example, the survivor of domestic violence who believes she is cosmically cursed and is somehow responsible for the bad behaviour of others. Or the person who made a mistake and now believes their destiny is something to endure rather than something to carve and curate.

In psychotherapy, working with shame is our bread and butter. Our clients will tell their stories and often this is the first time they’ve ever told anyone the stories they tell themselves. In psychotherapy we listen and lay the story out. A good psychotherapist will bring nuance and highlight distorted perspectives. For example, comparative suffering comes up a lot – the value of personal suffering isn’t recognized as much as the suffering of others.

If you are existentially isolated with your experiences, you may begin to falsely believe you are meaningless and have no purpose, but we don’t see other people’s experiences as meaningless. You are not only worthy of meaning, you are also worthy of the freedom to change the story you’ve told yourself. As Irvin Yalom points out, if you change your perspective from comparative suffering to universal acceptance that all humans suffer, then understanding your own suffering allows you to gain wisdom from these wounds and transform them.

In an age of isolation and AI therapy, there isn’t always opportunity for someone to say: “Hang on a minute, I don’t think this story you tell yourself is fair or even true!” – a caring friend who provides feedback because they want you to grow and evolve, to create new stories and narratives. Isolation and AI will not do this, like a bad friend, it will only collude and reinforce a falsehood of who you are and diminish the reality of possibility.

Human beings require humanity, community and love to internalize meaning and purpose, because we are not robots.

For stories to change it does require courage and risk. Healing never happens in isolation. We need people to witness our suffering to heal, to bring a balanced perspective.

Next time you tell yourself a story about who you are, just think: have you ever told anyone else your story?